I wish I could teleport
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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