you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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