why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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