I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
