You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize