I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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