I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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