So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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