He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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