some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
