eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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