fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
