I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She is in my trunk
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Just cropdusted the office
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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