Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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