I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
