it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
