Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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