Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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