I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
