My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
