I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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