So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
