I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just want nice things and good sex
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
