dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
