I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
