I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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