The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
