I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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