its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You smell like stripper and shame
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
