Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
