My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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