im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My life is pants optional.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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