I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
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