Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
