She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize