I can text with my tongue
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
What a dumb baby whore.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
