I wish I could teleport
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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