4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
