My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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