70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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