I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
did you just send me my own nude
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
