I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
