i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
