I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
