Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
