I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
