I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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