ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
