He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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