I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
she woke up with a sticky ear
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
