But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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