The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
