piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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