and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
