Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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