not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
